Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Honestly, I still miss you.

I still thought of you every day and night.

I'm still sad about it.

You're the first I ever felt so in love.

It's miserable how I use my friend account to check you out.

It's more of a daily routine now.

Been months and i'm still doing it.

Why am I checking your blog?

Miserable much right?

Why is it so hard to forget about it and just move on?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I'm still not over you.



I'm gonna stop blogging.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

What's on my mind right now?
I just can't sleep.
Sometimes I wonder why am I still thinking about her.
Maybe because she used to mean a lot to me?
I don't know.

It's been almost 3 months we've never spoken.
It is still tough going through days with her in my mind.

Thinking about it,
I actually kinda forgotten, what separates us?

And what did it go wrong?
I used to blame everything on myself for what had happened but now,
I just don't know?
And whenever I think about it, it struck me in my heart.

I don't know if it's normal but things still lingers around my mind.
And my heart felt it.

Sometimes I just don't know what to feel.

Yea, I still miss her.
But I guess that's not wrong right?

It still bothers me.

The feeling of wanting to hold you in my arms...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Last Story?

Last year was pretty hectic, after going through emotional times leaving friends and relatives behind. I'm not healed by these problems but still managed to just live better than before. Last year was pretty interesting, met a girl through online and it was the silliest introduction ever. She was spamming my wall on my friend's behalf, silly right? But it was all cool.

I met her in reality through fetching my friend, her and her sister to their ballet class. Was staring at her big cute beautiful eyes from the mirror while I was looking back. Didn't really recognize her though not till I recalled something about her from my friend. Yea, I was actually pretty blur and tired that time.

Got to know her more through online. We're teens, so yea we contact through Facebook! Thank Mark for that! It was a beautiful time knowing her. She's a pretty interesting teen, different from most i've met. Then after awhile, stars starts shining brightly in my dim eyes and pop, I gotta know i'm interested in her! And yea, that's when the interesting story starts!

Told her the truth, things went pretty well. The feeling was awesome and it feels great to have someone who we can share and talk to about EVERYTHING! Oh yea, her pet dog died on that day I told her about my feelings. Yea, karma hit me at the wrong time.

Managed to call her out for a Christmas show in my church and it was pretty awkward at first because we haven't seen each other for months! My heart was pumping so hard it feels like i injected steroids in my heart! That awkward feeling is so indescribeable! Is that a word? I guess. Things went pretty okay that night. Was really glad that I managed to see her! The feeling of gladness, oh!

Our second meet up was during Christmas day and it was quite a fail thanks to her work? Was suppose to meet her up during her lunch hour but some girl didn't turn up for her shift so she had to stay back. Me? I was waiting in the car outside the mall actually. Bought her desserts since she was complaining about her appetite and stuff. And also bought her present too for Christmas and that's why i'm so excited to meet her. I couldn't meet her during lunch so I decided to stop by after her work to pass her the stuff. Too bad she couldn't stay any longer because her only transport is her mom. And you know, moms? Don't get me wrong alright!

At this stage, we're still close and things was still up and running well. We had one issue though, we've been talking about her studying overseas. It's not only about her studies but it's about our relationship. At that point, I know it's going to be hard but i've decided to take the risk since she wasn't an option, she was a choice. And I know I really love her, words just can't describe how much I love her! And it was my first time feeling so in love with a girl! I actually don't know what was in her mind since she's not telling me everything properly. Anyway, we spend most of our time together through phone since she's busy with her work and I really don't want to get her in trouble. We slowly build our relationship through text and calls? I remember a night I had the best talk ever, we were so crazy about each another we talked up to 3-4 hours without realizing not until we check the time! It was the best night and she was the best that I could really talk to. Now let us proceed to the second meet up?

Didn't see her till New Year's Eve when her mom told her to take the train back since it's going to be jam and she don't really know the area. Was really worried that anything might happen to her so i've decided to go through all the trouble to make sure she's safe till the train station.

We continue our sweet chats and texts as time goes by, had an awesome New Year chat with her. Was hanging out late and decided to call her to check on her, chatted for quite sometime and strangers and friends began staring at me. Dear the one, I enjoyed chatting with you. Just so you know.

Next, I was suppose to meet her during her off day, I debated with my family just to get a car to drive around actually. Tried contacting her but failed and I seriously didn't know what was going on, waited till then in the afternoon she texted me she wasn't feeling well and went to the clinic instead. Got really worried and showed all my care. Wasn't angry at her, was just sad that I couldn't see her and be there for her when she's sick.

She caught my heart, she was the thief! I was so crazy about her, I want to be by her side so badly! I don't care if she's short or people say she has big nose, I like her just the way she is. She's beautiful!

As time goes by, it's just so hard to meet her! She's so busy with her work, I almost bombed that mall! So we met up a day before my birthday. It's already 2 months and I believed so strongly that she's a gift from God! Brought her to a park during her lunch break and I was pretty nervous because it was my first time proposing a girl. She's always been beautiful inside out, her eyes is so big and cute, she had a cute and sweet smile, she's so beautiful. She's gorgeous! And she looks extra gorgeous that day. We sat on a bench in a park and chatted. When we're about to leave, I pull up my guts and hold her tight at her shoulder and nervously ask a simple question 'Will you be my girlfriend?'. She was really indecisive because she was worried about her studying overseas so she couldn't decide.

I messed up that time and I blamed myself for it till now. I didn't see her at all after that. She was just too busy with her stuff and whenever we plan to meet up, something just got to clash. I skipped so many plans with my friends and family just to make sure I won't miss the chance to meet her. At this stage, it's going to a low. I tried fighting so hard to keep her and see her but it just won't work. Second month of this year was hectic because of Chinese New Year. So I really wish I could see her on the third month.

During the third month, it was time to show our strength for each another, it's more of a test for us. I gave my best effort to keep it up alive. But one of us gave up. Slowly I was ignored and things start rolling downhill. I didn't want to give up because I just don't want to, I want her to know that I would do anything to meet you, I would do anything to make her smile, I would do anything to take care of her and I will not let anyone hurt her and will make sure there's no wound on the surface of her skin! I want her to know, my feelings for her is real and those words I said are real too.

Slowly, I tried to talk her out but she wouldn't let me know what was going on. She left me hanging by a thread for a couple of times and I still don't blame her. Things start turning ugly and I was at a point of breaking down. I hold myself up and stand strong to save our relationship but I just couldn't do it because one of us stopped fighting for us and also stopped trying. When I was really down, she gave me her promise, a promise that she'll never simply make. After giving me her word, I kept myself standing on my feet to try fix things again. Was hoping that you'll find me but you just wouldn't find me anymore.

Slowly, she broke the promise and didn't really do anything at all. I couldn't take that heat, I broke down and depressed all the way. I know she gave up on me, I know she's no more fighting to keep me. It was the fourth month by then, I really don't know what was going on but I kept trying to save our relationship. It was so tough, I broke down every night.

I actually wish you could ask me what's wrong.

I finally can't take it so I had to give up, it was the worst heart break ever. Never once I felt so in love and never once I felt so broken down by it. I couldn't take the pain I remove her in my contacts. I don't even really dare to step into places i've had memories with you before. It's just so hard.

Dear special one, i'm so sorry that I hurt you at times and i'm really am sorry. You might not know but i'm hurt too, it hurts so bad I had nightmares every night. I couldn't sleep well every night because i'm always thinking about what happened and what's happening. It's just so hard not to think about you and the things happened. Whenever I know you're hurt, I was so tempted to make sure you're okay but I know I shouldn't anymore. Though it's been like 2-3 weeks but it feels like months. Life is so different without you and knowing that I lose you, I really need you in my life actually. It's no point trying hard to like other girl because my heart still loves you. I really miss you alot, no doubt about that. I couldn't really smile ever since then, after what happened. I couldn't sleep well at all too. Every night i'll just dream about you. I'll talk to God and tell Him how much I want you back.

Now, I'm just waiting and see what will happen next. It's either you come back and we get together again or I'll just have to move on without you. I remember what you wore on the first day I met you, your 'Baju Kurung' school uniform. Hehe, you were gorgeous.

Sorry for my poor disastrous english, lazy to check my grammar and spellings. Heh.

If only there's a way to read my heart out.
Sometimes it's never too late to make things right,
but it depends on our decisions whether to want to make it right or not.

Strangers again.
What's funny about us humans is
we often wish that only one person that we can't live without,
can't live without us.

But, how often do us humans show that feeling of can't live without you?

Monday, May 23, 2011

Can't stop thinking bout this song.

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
Didn't see you for more than 4 months
and lost contact for about 2 months
and still misses you,
couldn't sleep well every night because i'm still thinking about you,
still having this fear of losing you,

if isn't love,
tell me what it is?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I'm never over
over you
something about you
It's just the way you move
the way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
and I quit every game I've played
but forgive me love
I can't turn and walk away

should have smiled in that picture
if it's the last that I'll see of you
it's the least that you could not do

oh I will
leave the light on
I'll never give up on you
leave the light on
for me too
Yes, thinking about it hurts.


thinking about it allows me explore the deeper me
and see who I am, what I am capable of and what I able to do.

I'm a risk taker, maybe not all risk but risk that decides what kinda guy
i'm going to be in the future.

There is a definite certain change in me after it happened.
We can't explain them, we only can show them.

Anyway this is just to light up the mood a little here.
LOVE is like shitting on a toilet bowl, only the person who loves you and would risk everything to be with you will go through the smell and touch that shit and get the warm feeling from it...LOL


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I used to thank God for you,
I used to be so darn happy because i've met you.
I used to overjoy when we communicate.

I don't know what to thank for,
I don't know what to be happy for,
I don't know what to be overjoy for.



Life is like this when you met someone ;




















(we won't know what happens next when it's around here.)
Looking at the fact in my heart,
I actually still miss you.
Looking at my mind every now and then,
you've actually crossed it infinite times.
Looking back then,
it totally kills me still.
Looking at my world right now,
it's totally different without you.
Looking back again in my heart,
I need you,
I want you back,
because life totally suck without you.

Most said, a broken heart can make the best music out of it. Well I guess mine can't since i'm bad it in.

Looking at life now,
there are just too darn many types of humans.

When things screws up,

some tries hard to find a solution to fix it.

Some, yea we'll go with the flow and see what happens next.

Some, just stay apart from the problem.

Some, hoping to start everything again and forget what had happened.

Some, hoping for a new start, practically it's different from the previous because a new start means a new life. Starting everything means bringing back the past but will try to make it better.

Just too darn many different humans living on earth.
Which one is you readers?


Life is full of risk too.

But risk is good, at least it helps us to gain more experience in life.

If you try hard enough, you'll know what are your risk for.

So why after the all of everything that came and went
I care enough to still be singing of the bitter end and broken eras
I told you I don't but
I am only trying to be the best with my intent to cure
The rest is sure to lay me ease the plural hurts of the words of reverse psychology
That's easier said
Easier than done

Realize Mraz's songs are a little different in expressing them feelings.
Kinda likes his songs ;)
can I start again with my faith shaken? cause I can't go back and undo this.
I just have to stay and face my mistakes but if I get stronger and wiser, i'll get through this.

sometimes, it's never easy to get things right. to make it better or worse, it depends on situations and especially you.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Wanna be a loser like me?
Stay tune!

Been listening to this song quite often =D

Sunday, May 15, 2011


looks like i don't really care anymore,
cuz i was taught to GIVE and TAKE.

well usually what we receive is better than what we gave?

pretty evil right?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do

for the best?

Took the leap, to ask for the last time?
The one last question?
It's either we are back together or just strangers again.

I can't be a friend.
I just had to.
I have too much feelings for you inside.
we're stranger again.

my mistake,
thinking that you really like me,
thought you would try to fight for the last time.
And I blame myself,
for letting this feeling to just develop.


it's the second night and i'm still not being able to sleep again cos all I have in mind is just..her..

Thursday, May 12, 2011

What's more painful than not being able to sleep EVERY night till 3 AM just thinking and only thinking about you.

seeing you being able to live through days pretty okay without me.
LOL. why the heck am I thinking about you when you're the one who gave up on me first?
Yea, it's just too torturing.
I think i'm going mental soon. lol.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Likes this piece from Rascal Flatts, awesome singer!

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
If you love a person, tell.

If you care about that person, show.

Don't hide it to yourself, else you're just plain selfish.


Echoes of life.

Since I can't really sleep every night, i've decided to make full use of my night life. I've learned a lot about life and still learning to put them in my life. What's written here is based on how I observe life so it won't be absolutely right about it.

Basically everyone is different, perfect in their own ways. No one is entirely perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, that's the fact. A video caught my eye, a clip from Wong Fu Production? I'm sure everyone already watched it right?

Watched this before it hits 200 thousand views and i'm still watching it again.

I like this video a lot because it pretty much describes what i've been through. Best part is, it's showing that guys too are affected by relationships. So girls, not all guys are jerks.

So let's start.

There's a few type of people here.

Some love keeping things simple. I love you, you love me and lets risk everything and get together and sort about the future some other time together.
"I like this actually, get together first and find the solution later TOGETHER."

Most think too much about relationship. I love you but do you love me? I don't believe you love me. What will happen in the future? Are you worth risking? Can I trust you? Can I trust myself?
"If you know that person have feelings for you and you like him/her too, everything is worth the risk and stop thinking too much."

Some, they're just wrong in some ways like keeping a person hanging by a thread. Showing them hope and you just pull off just like that? Promise something that you didn't mean it?
"If you don't like that person, please don't do anything that gives him/her hope or keep him/her hanging by the thread."

Looking back at Wong Fu's Strangers Again production, it opens my eyes a lot actually. I believe everyone is tested when they become comfortable with each another. And when it gets too comfortable at the wrong way, there's another chance to fix it by putting every effort you have to fix your relationship. Actually at this stage, it'll show how much they actually like each another and want to keep them together. By putting effort to fix things up or give up.

I actually didn't really like the trends telling about how do we know he/she's worth. What do we actually know about our worth? The only reason things don't work out in some relationship because you think you're worth better!

I've experienced something that's really confusing and sad? Conclusion to everything is, you said you liked me and said I was worth the risk but you don't want to risk it? Halfway through that you kept me hanging by a thread all of the sudden? And you gave up just like that.

Sometimes when people reacts is because they care. Girls, guys too do feel the insecurities. Guys can be really paranoid too especially when they're in love. And girls, why can't you just keep it simple? Why must some of you girls play it hard?

I like how some couples talk to each another about every problems that's bothering their relationship, at least they showed that they still wanna keep their relationship.

Sorry but I just can't go on anymore, something is killing me inside while writing about it.

I just want to conclude this, life is a risk. Every step, decision you make is a risk.

I'm just not over to what had happened. If there's a wish, I wish I can fall into the emptiness that is the space in between us, erase everything and bring us back together again.

I still don't get it, why?

This song's been playing in my mind.

Escaping nights without you with shadows on the wall
My mind is running wild tryin hard not to fall
You told me that you love me but say I’m just a friend
my heart is broken up into pieces

Cos i know i’ll never free my soul
it’s trapped between true love and being alone
When my eyes are closed the greatest story told
I woke and my dreams are shattered here on the floor

Why oh why tell me why not me
Why oh why we were meant to be
Baby i know i could be all you need
Why oh why oh why

I wanna love you
if you only knew how much i love you
So why not me

The day after tomorrow I’ll still be around
To catch you when you fall and ever let you down
you say that we’re forever our love will never end
I’ve tried to come up but it’s drowning me to know
you’ll never feel my soul
It’s trapped between true love and being alone
when my eyes are closed the greatest story told
i woke and my dreams are shattered here on the floor

Tell me baby why oh why tell me why not me
Why oh why we were meant to be
Baby i know i could be all you need
why oh why oh why

I wanna love you
if you only knew how much i love you
So why not me

You won’t ever know
How far we can go
You won’t ever know
How far we can go (go)

Why oh why tell me why not me
why oh why we were meant to be
Baby I know I could be all you need
Why oh why oh why

Why oh why tell me why not me
Why oh why we were meant to be
Baby I know I could be all you need
Why oh why oh why oh why

I wanna love you
If you only knew how much I love you
so why not me
(why not me, why not me)


Friday, April 15, 2011

The Moment You Wake.

The moment I close my eyes, I was holding your hand bringing you to a tall building. Walking you to the best view from the top. Standing by the window, cover you and holding you tight in my arms staring at the window watching the world moves. Keeping you safe and warm,

telling you how beautiful you were, are and always be.

Telling you how much I love you.

Telling you how much I want you.

Telling you how much I need you.

Letting you know that I want and will be there for you.

But it all went shattered as soon as I open my eyes facing the reality realizing it was only just a dream. I started off my days with droplets of tears, drowning. I couldn't accept the fact that I won't be able to hold you anymore. Though i'm still praying hard and hoping that you'll be in my arms someday.

But in the end, I still lose you.

And it kills me day and night.

Now, i'm just wondering, when will I ever heal again? When will I ever learn how to break those promises i've made in my heart which is to love, treasure and cherish you forever. You were the first i've ever made such promises.

And I wish that you'll be the last too.

Will you come back to me again?

The End.

P.S. I Love You.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

looking back, i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeuuuuuuuuwwwww!

Yea, i was lying.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

some called you a bitch,
some called you a slut,
some called you a whore.
i'll still call you beautiful,
just that you wasted your chance.

come back if you want to,
cuz i'm still standing on the same ground.
it's your choice now.

Monday, April 4, 2011

you made me sound like i made your life miserable.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Appreciate single-hood?

Join if you're single! =D
Cuz there's so many friends there that would love to make you feel 'taken'! LOL

Monday, March 21, 2011

I'll just sing LULLABY! =D

Friday, March 18, 2011


ARGH! =(
I've never dream so far, I've never hold so hard. I've never fell so far, I've never fell so hard. I love you dearly, I miss you dearly, Those aren't just words, though words aren't enough to express them. Don't be surprise when your name is written all over my book of life. Don't be surprise that it'll end with your name. Don't be surprise your name appears in every chapter after i've met you. Don't be surprise that i'm still holding on to the love we had. I came too far and looking back kills my soul. I've driven my life alone before but I can't now. I was stupid, and now i'm worse. I shouldn't be showing anymore.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Fate or faith?

Destinies are for losers.
I can't seem to forget you.
It's never going to be easy.
Whatever I do, wherever I go, no matter how hard I distract myself, i'll always be reminded bout you.
You never fail, to cross my mind often.
I must be dreaming still because ;

I'd rather go through hardship and be the most crazy couple ever proving that a strong love will always bring us back together. Screw the miles, screw everything because as long as we know we love each another, we will do whatever it takes to meet up and trade our love. Nothing can stop us.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Blind an eye.

I should stop staring at my phone already.
I gotta learn to accept the fact that it'll never ring anymore.
Even if it rings, it's never gonna be the same.


Because it's most probably by Maxis.



I can't do more. I only can sit back and reminisce awhile, stand up and move on.
How hard I try, how much I tried, they don't matter anymore.
What matters now is only for both of us to just move on with smiles.
I can't stand seeing how down you were and probably still are.

Cheer up! =)

I can't be more, but I can still be a friend to you.
Obviously i'm gonna miss what we had and i'll definitely keep it as a memory.
I've been through tough times, now i'm going through a tougher time and I should be learning how to overcome it because once we learn to overcome our tough times, it's easier to handle our lives in the near future.

TeeHee! =D

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Space In Between Us.

Look at my heart again
Look at the mess I've got it in
I'm trying to trust in You
To know that you'll see me
Through my pride
Through my shame
Into Your love
Into Your grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see Your face
And I'm running straight to You

All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
To break this division
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together again

My life's like an open book
Nothing is hidden when you look
You break through my boundaries
Revealing my insecurities
But through my pride
And through my shame
You show me love
You show me grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see your face
And I'm running straight to you

Here I am saying I need you
I know I need you
Here I am, I'm coming to meet you
Cause I want to see you

Monday, March 14, 2011

Tell you the truth, it's not the loneliness that's making me feeling really down till like this, it's the...
Figure it out yourself.


I'm filling myself with regrets =(




Horizontal cloud lines

I know what i'm doing now is a little childish. But I did it because I am not myself at the moment. I'm in deep pain and hurt. All I wanna find now is a cure. I just need a cure!

Dear God, be my cure?

I was so in love, I gave every of my time and effort and I hold on so long and strong, I never fail to let go. All I wanted was not only to love, but to be loved. I was all prepared and when it strikes me, I just can't explain how I felt with words.

When I hear it, I froze. I couldn't speak. I shed droplets of tears wondering what happened to everything we said. What happened to the "We'll go through the sucky road together! We'll go through every obstacles together!" I know I can't keep it low so I forced myself to continue the conversation and...

Only God understands how i'm really feeling.

Seriously, I myself want to move on. My mind's open but my heart's stubborn.

P.S. I don't care if it's too emotional but IT'S MY FREAKING BLOG! SO I DON'T FREAKING CARE! =P

My heart rules my mind.

What i'm doing right now is a weird way of torturing myself. I'm actually lost in this nightmare trying to find a way back. Dear God, show me the way where I can walk again. Maybe I rather feel the hurt than feeling nothing at all because, I enjoyed loving you. =( I tried convincing myself but I failed, the feeling in my heart is stronger than the thoughts in my mind. =( I know I should start moving on but there's something that is not right and it's bothering me a lot. Who can I talk to about this? No one. Because i've never told anyone more of myself except you.

Now i'm always asking myself this question, why did I love you so much? Why and how did you let me go so easily?

Adjustment Bureau!

The Adjustment Bureau

Watched this yesterday, love the movie!
It was really touching and it's super sweet!
It's a sad love story but with a happy ending.
I'll love it if my life were to be like that too, i'm a dreamer. =P
Anyways I love the concept of this movie too!

I would rate this movie high and awesome! It is advisable to watch! =D

What if?

What's written in the book of life

Decisions are meant to be respected and fulfilled.

I respect yours and now it's my turn to decide.

I'll live my life with a shattered heart but i'll just let time heal it.

At the mean time, I hope everything is okay for you and as for me too.

Wish me luck people!

Gonna build a new life, 'again'.

TeeHee =D

At the mean time, it still keeps me wondering why it all happen. How? It' is still bothering me.

Rhyme the future?

I wish there's a fast forward time machine!

Where am I? O.O =O

Teehee! =D
Truth is, I actually still love you a lot that's why it's hard for me to accept the fact that i'm losing you.

Who would understand?

Throughout every struggles and obstacles in life, never once I could express them to anyone. Words was so really hard to find to express it. It was never easy finding someone that could really understand you at least a little too. Once you found someone that can understand you more than anyone else, you gave them all you can. You cling onto them with a thankful heart, why? Because finally you had someone that understands you better.

Now, you just got no one to talk to anymore again. Even if it would, it'll never be the same anymore.

The only One I could really share with is only God. I wish I could have somebody and i'll be their somebody too because I hate to be useless in my existence.

At the mean time, SMILES! =D

Pasting the pieces and lift me up.

I've been given hope that there's a light on up on the hall and a day will come when the fight is won. And I think that day has begun.

I'm still counting on small prayers every night because i'm lost in a nightmare. I just want to wake up and leave that nightmare and live with whatever I have.

It's been quite clear, the struggles i've been through. Seeing it, it's going to be hard for me to outrun my fears.

Was everything worth it? I guess.

Dear God, can You lift me up?

I'm starting to go through days without you. Letting go was hard enough, and now losing you is the hardest. By any chance, I do wish God will bring us back together?

Ever since that night, I start talking and asking God about my life. Happy or sad, I still question with smiles and sadness. I was once a dreamer. Now i'm not only a dreamer, i'm still living my days in dreams. Should I just call it nightmare?

But one thing for sure, i'll be thankful to God because I know He's still by my side.

Now I don't wanna look forward to any 'ships'. I'm just looking forward to spending my time with my family and friends. Give them the best support I can because i've actually already had it enough. It's never gonna be easy for me but what the heck? That's life.

Dear God, only You know my true prayers. Can You make it possible? Though it's pretty impossible.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

What lies in my actions speaks my feelings

Truth is, I wish you didn't had to go. I wish that you'll step in my door again.
Throughout the first day after it happened, I was all hiding my emotions.
And curse the radio for playing "Back to December" while driving to work. =P

Maybe because this is the first time I take it extra seriously.
I've never so into a person.
I've never hold on like this before.
I've never showed this interest to a person before.

And now, I can't even use the word that I used to tell you sometimes just to let you know.
It was actually really hard for me.
I survived the first day by keep thinking it's going to be alright but as soon as I hit my bed, it's never okay suddenly.
I wonder how long can I actually survive?

Another truth is, i'm still in tears.
After going through shitty times and ending like this, it's never easy for me.
I hold back my ego-ness and did whatever it takes so that you'll talk to me before, Now i'll hold back the ego-ness to talk to you.

Dear Taylor,
If you were to write that song, did you really mean it?
Did you tied up your ego-ness and step into his door and apologize?
Did you really mean everything? Or is it just words of feelings but never the actions?

At the mean time, i'm gonna be like this tough dude here ;

But i'm not going bald! =D
Told you i'm tough!

Saturday, March 12, 2011


I'm starting off my days with ;

Because i'm too weak to handle the truth.
And did it rain heavily last night? Because my bed were soaking wet.
But what's weird is, it's way out of position to get wet from rains.
It happened 3 times ever since.
Never once it felt this wet before.

At the mean time, i'll ;

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Oh Light!

Dear God,





Keep it coming.

I have a lot of weakness!
I can easily get jealous.
I can't ignore you!
I can't think of anyone else or any other things but you


I can't feel any better unless I get an assurance.
I will feel worse when words are just words.

Conclusion ;




























What's life?

Life's personal x)

What more to say?

It keeps me wondering every now and then.
All I ever wanted is just an assurance.
You're not into what you've said.
It only made me smile awhile when you said it but waiting for it the next morning, it was pretty much disappointing.

I'm not asking for more. I'm just asking for what's sufficient. That's all.
You should get my point there.

Just A Personal Post For Fun!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Looking up!

What's better than looking up and leaving everything to God while you do what you gotta do?!

I don't take meow's but yea, i'll give them a chance today =P
So yea guys! Look up! =D

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Are they different?

What are the difference between 'Yes' and 'I Do'?

'Yes' basically is a blessing from God. It's either we grab it or we leave it. 'Yes' means hoping to a more commitment in life. Not as much as 'I Do' yet so if thing's don't work out in 'Yes', it'll lead to depression. Level of depression? Depends on how much love they gave.

'I Do' is a GIFT from God. We receive it and open the wrapper. Accepting that gift means it'll belong to you for a lifetime and stepping up to more commitments. If the gift were to be gone or lost, you'll be really depressed because that gift is actually the best gift ever.

So yeap.
Short ugly updates about 'Ai'
Conclusion : They are obviously different! =P

Saturday, March 5, 2011


In a world of love, theres 3 types of choices who to be with. First choice is of course the easiest and the best, choose the person who loves you and you love them back too.

Second and third choice will be the hardest. Choosing the ones who loves you but you don't love them or choosing the ones you love but they don't love you.

First criteria. Both sides can make each another happy because they love one another. But it is quite impossible to find the ones who loves you and you love them, maybe it's possible too. =D
cartoon of couple hugging, man is trying to watch TV, woman is trying to kiss him

Second criteria. They can make you happy because they loved you but can you make them happy? That's a little selfish for you =P

Third criteria. You can make them happy because you love them but can they make you happy? That's a little selfish for them =P Guess who sketched this picture =D

So yea, life is hard to decide. =D
But you still have to decide.
Just a slight update! =D
P.S. I'm not the one who sketched that third picture. =D

Dirty Little Secret!

Everyone has their own dirty little secret.
What's mine? Since everyone loves calling me gay *for some reason they're jealous of my couples of friends that's why they're calling me gay! =P*, my dirty little secret is "I'm straight"



I am number One! Died in Malaysia =(

Hehe, had a late midnight movies with the gay-hoods. Really gay, we 3 were in slippers and shorts and Eugene just had to wear double the layers of pants into the cinema. After the movie ends, we couldn't feel our toes! Went to the toilet straight and warm dry our toes instead. Felt better after that. Older gay twin brother decides to venture around ladies toilet at night and too bad none of them were empty for him to sakai' in! =P

Yes, He is number four. I'm number One, the one that got killed in Malaysia =(

Dianna Agron! Pretty as always! Main reason why I wanna catch this movie so much! =D

Oh oh! Not to forget! Teresa Palmer! One pretty and hot chick! Loves her loads! =D Dear TP, you're super awesome! Haha! =D

Loves the 2 main girls in that movie! =D Especially Teresa Palmer =D

Friday, March 4, 2011

Throws some weights out

Seriously, my life is already heavy enough and now, it's freaking heavier.


Life Sucks! =D

Cock eye =P

You know what sucks? People keep misjudging me.


Where should I look?

Truth is, I actually don't know who am I to you. I don't know where am I in you. I don't know if I actually ever crossed your mind. Thinking about a person while you're chatting with them is actually very different from thinking about them while you're not communicating with them and then when you missed them so much, you'll actually try to start a conversation with them. =) Have you really miss me? =|

Hehe =D

So now the question is ;
Did you really miss me?!?!

And this always happen to me ;
Yea, it's kinda awkward actually and pathetic.



I'm glad that at least i'm better in controlling my emotions now. God made me stronger! Than Yesterday! =D Britney Spears. Yea Baby!


Thursday, March 3, 2011

Starring at the clouds you've drawn.

Too bad I actually can't catch that cloud anymore. Everyday the cloud's shape is always different. Seeking the shape that i really want to see that I used to see will be really hard. Too bad we can't reverse the cloud cycle and find back the shape right?
Let's study Geography =D

Some shape makes you smile, some shape makes you sad, some shape makes you cry and some shape makes you laugh! The shape that i've been seeing makes me wonder. I've seen things but I acted like nothing is going on.

I felt many things but I kept it only to myself to wonder. Seeing the clouds pass each days makes me wonder more and more. I used to see clouds that makes me smile, now i'm only seeing clouds that makes me wonder and sad.

I used to see so many stories in the clouds which makes me smile. Staring at the clouds too asked me a lot of questions which makes me smile even more. Now, seeing the clouds is like seeing nobody there. The form of life was there but it's not now.

The clouds are like disappearing  now. I tried to draw them back but...

When will I see the clouds I used to see? I miss them clouds dearly.

Dear God, I suck. Help me? Please?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Drawing the clouds again!

Hey people!

I'm basically back, basically only.

I've gone through headaches and heartaches from top to bottom, left to right. I got killed at times but still revived after awhile. Things been pretty shitty so yea.

Stress overload I guess.

TeeHee! =D

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Can you all slap me if I were to be stupid and dumb?!


Saturday, February 5, 2011

Ways of life.

Looking at my life now, I just realized my life is a lot different compare to loads of normal humans!

Do I like it?

Baby I like It! - Enrique Iglesias!

Nopes, not really. I don't really like it, not all because I actually like some part of my life.

So yeah! My life is;
mysterious! It's full of unknown ends and different roads compare to other humans.

And my life too is also;
Okay, that's weird. And yea weird.

I assume most of y'all might DENY but what can you see when you're not in my shoe? I typed as if i've been to other people's shoe before huh.


I mean based on how I see and hear how a person live, and another human, and another homosapien, and another gay, and another lesbian, and another moth.

Yea, comparing all, they all have similarities and mine is just near to close.

So I just realize! My life works in a mysterious and weird ways! Calling me a mystery and a weird man alright! =D

Friday, February 4, 2011


FML =)

What If?

What if?
What if I'm the one for you?
And you're the one for me?
What if...

If you are the one
Then us meeting here is fate
Future with a dog named Ben
Buy a house with a fireplace
This is the first I've seen your face
But there a chance we are soulmates
I know that this might sound crazy
You don't know my name

But we can't
We can't tell
The future no
The first kiss, the beauty of the world we know
So Imma say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu
Baby, what if
We all can say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu
Baby, what if

What if [6x]

Picture me on one knee
With the perfect diamond ring
We just met, but if you say "yes"
We'd have our wedding on the beach
It could happen, raise three kids
And grow old so happily
I know this may sound crazy
Cuz you don't know my name

But we can't

We can't tell
The future no
The first kiss, the beauty of the world we know
So Imma say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu
Baby, what if
We all can say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu
Baby, what if

Don't know what tomorrow brings
But i'm still hoping
That you are the one for me
Oh and what if I had you and what if you had me and
Baby, what's the reason we can't fall in love?
What if
What if
What if

But we can't
We can't tell
The future no
The first kiss, the beauty of the world we know
So Imma say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu
Baby, what if
We all can say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu
Baby, what if

But we can't
We can't tell
The future no
The first kiss, the beauty of the world we know
So Imma say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu
Baby, what if
We all can say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu
Baby, what if

Jason Derulo

Baby, what if?

when we bling in a blong < no such sentence!

Hey sapiens!

I did something cool today!

Wanna know what is it?

Yea =) Super unproductive right? =)

Whole family is out except me! =(

Booooooooooo =D

Thursday, February 3, 2011

What I Want?

Hi moths!

I want ang paos!

I wanna feed my wallet well!


Thicken it up!


Anyways that's not the main thing.

I usually know what I want!

I'd actually know what I wanted in some part of life especially the crucial ones.

But now, I am totally lost in my wants and needs in that part of life.

What part of life?

Y'all are not dumb.

I want it to grow!



That's all I want.

Finding it was hard enough, now growing it is the hardest part in life.

No doubts!

So yea, all I can do is pray, prAY AND PRAY!

Only God can help me now!

It's so hard to see human's heart right?


Dear God, please lead me to the path i've always wanted. Please.

Dream on Sam!