Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Last Story?

Last year was pretty hectic, after going through emotional times leaving friends and relatives behind. I'm not healed by these problems but still managed to just live better than before. Last year was pretty interesting, met a girl through online and it was the silliest introduction ever. She was spamming my wall on my friend's behalf, silly right? But it was all cool.

I met her in reality through fetching my friend, her and her sister to their ballet class. Was staring at her big cute beautiful eyes from the mirror while I was looking back. Didn't really recognize her though not till I recalled something about her from my friend. Yea, I was actually pretty blur and tired that time.

Got to know her more through online. We're teens, so yea we contact through Facebook! Thank Mark for that! It was a beautiful time knowing her. She's a pretty interesting teen, different from most i've met. Then after awhile, stars starts shining brightly in my dim eyes and pop, I gotta know i'm interested in her! And yea, that's when the interesting story starts!

Told her the truth, things went pretty well. The feeling was awesome and it feels great to have someone who we can share and talk to about EVERYTHING! Oh yea, her pet dog died on that day I told her about my feelings. Yea, karma hit me at the wrong time.

Managed to call her out for a Christmas show in my church and it was pretty awkward at first because we haven't seen each other for months! My heart was pumping so hard it feels like i injected steroids in my heart! That awkward feeling is so indescribeable! Is that a word? I guess. Things went pretty okay that night. Was really glad that I managed to see her! The feeling of gladness, oh!

Our second meet up was during Christmas day and it was quite a fail thanks to her work? Was suppose to meet her up during her lunch hour but some girl didn't turn up for her shift so she had to stay back. Me? I was waiting in the car outside the mall actually. Bought her desserts since she was complaining about her appetite and stuff. And also bought her present too for Christmas and that's why i'm so excited to meet her. I couldn't meet her during lunch so I decided to stop by after her work to pass her the stuff. Too bad she couldn't stay any longer because her only transport is her mom. And you know, moms? Don't get me wrong alright!

At this stage, we're still close and things was still up and running well. We had one issue though, we've been talking about her studying overseas. It's not only about her studies but it's about our relationship. At that point, I know it's going to be hard but i've decided to take the risk since she wasn't an option, she was a choice. And I know I really love her, words just can't describe how much I love her! And it was my first time feeling so in love with a girl! I actually don't know what was in her mind since she's not telling me everything properly. Anyway, we spend most of our time together through phone since she's busy with her work and I really don't want to get her in trouble. We slowly build our relationship through text and calls? I remember a night I had the best talk ever, we were so crazy about each another we talked up to 3-4 hours without realizing not until we check the time! It was the best night and she was the best that I could really talk to. Now let us proceed to the second meet up?

Didn't see her till New Year's Eve when her mom told her to take the train back since it's going to be jam and she don't really know the area. Was really worried that anything might happen to her so i've decided to go through all the trouble to make sure she's safe till the train station.

We continue our sweet chats and texts as time goes by, had an awesome New Year chat with her. Was hanging out late and decided to call her to check on her, chatted for quite sometime and strangers and friends began staring at me. Dear the one, I enjoyed chatting with you. Just so you know.

Next, I was suppose to meet her during her off day, I debated with my family just to get a car to drive around actually. Tried contacting her but failed and I seriously didn't know what was going on, waited till then in the afternoon she texted me she wasn't feeling well and went to the clinic instead. Got really worried and showed all my care. Wasn't angry at her, was just sad that I couldn't see her and be there for her when she's sick.

She caught my heart, she was the thief! I was so crazy about her, I want to be by her side so badly! I don't care if she's short or people say she has big nose, I like her just the way she is. She's beautiful!

As time goes by, it's just so hard to meet her! She's so busy with her work, I almost bombed that mall! So we met up a day before my birthday. It's already 2 months and I believed so strongly that she's a gift from God! Brought her to a park during her lunch break and I was pretty nervous because it was my first time proposing a girl. She's always been beautiful inside out, her eyes is so big and cute, she had a cute and sweet smile, she's so beautiful. She's gorgeous! And she looks extra gorgeous that day. We sat on a bench in a park and chatted. When we're about to leave, I pull up my guts and hold her tight at her shoulder and nervously ask a simple question 'Will you be my girlfriend?'. She was really indecisive because she was worried about her studying overseas so she couldn't decide.

I messed up that time and I blamed myself for it till now. I didn't see her at all after that. She was just too busy with her stuff and whenever we plan to meet up, something just got to clash. I skipped so many plans with my friends and family just to make sure I won't miss the chance to meet her. At this stage, it's going to a low. I tried fighting so hard to keep her and see her but it just won't work. Second month of this year was hectic because of Chinese New Year. So I really wish I could see her on the third month.

During the third month, it was time to show our strength for each another, it's more of a test for us. I gave my best effort to keep it up alive. But one of us gave up. Slowly I was ignored and things start rolling downhill. I didn't want to give up because I just don't want to, I want her to know that I would do anything to meet you, I would do anything to make her smile, I would do anything to take care of her and I will not let anyone hurt her and will make sure there's no wound on the surface of her skin! I want her to know, my feelings for her is real and those words I said are real too.

Slowly, I tried to talk her out but she wouldn't let me know what was going on. She left me hanging by a thread for a couple of times and I still don't blame her. Things start turning ugly and I was at a point of breaking down. I hold myself up and stand strong to save our relationship but I just couldn't do it because one of us stopped fighting for us and also stopped trying. When I was really down, she gave me her promise, a promise that she'll never simply make. After giving me her word, I kept myself standing on my feet to try fix things again. Was hoping that you'll find me but you just wouldn't find me anymore.

Slowly, she broke the promise and didn't really do anything at all. I couldn't take that heat, I broke down and depressed all the way. I know she gave up on me, I know she's no more fighting to keep me. It was the fourth month by then, I really don't know what was going on but I kept trying to save our relationship. It was so tough, I broke down every night.

I actually wish you could ask me what's wrong.

I finally can't take it so I had to give up, it was the worst heart break ever. Never once I felt so in love and never once I felt so broken down by it. I couldn't take the pain I remove her in my contacts. I don't even really dare to step into places i've had memories with you before. It's just so hard.

Dear special one, i'm so sorry that I hurt you at times and i'm really am sorry. You might not know but i'm hurt too, it hurts so bad I had nightmares every night. I couldn't sleep well every night because i'm always thinking about what happened and what's happening. It's just so hard not to think about you and the things happened. Whenever I know you're hurt, I was so tempted to make sure you're okay but I know I shouldn't anymore. Though it's been like 2-3 weeks but it feels like months. Life is so different without you and knowing that I lose you, I really need you in my life actually. It's no point trying hard to like other girl because my heart still loves you. I really miss you alot, no doubt about that. I couldn't really smile ever since then, after what happened. I couldn't sleep well at all too. Every night i'll just dream about you. I'll talk to God and tell Him how much I want you back.

Now, I'm just waiting and see what will happen next. It's either you come back and we get together again or I'll just have to move on without you. I remember what you wore on the first day I met you, your 'Baju Kurung' school uniform. Hehe, you were gorgeous.

Sorry for my poor disastrous english, lazy to check my grammar and spellings. Heh.

If only there's a way to read my heart out.
Sometimes it's never too late to make things right,
but it depends on our decisions whether to want to make it right or not.

Strangers again.
What's funny about us humans is
we often wish that only one person that we can't live without,
can't live without us.

But, how often do us humans show that feeling of can't live without you?

Monday, May 23, 2011

Can't stop thinking bout this song.

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping
In the way you did before

And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm a little drunk
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
Didn't see you for more than 4 months
and lost contact for about 2 months
and still misses you,
couldn't sleep well every night because i'm still thinking about you,
still having this fear of losing you,

if isn't love,
tell me what it is?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I'm never over
over you
something about you
It's just the way you move
the way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
and I quit every game I've played
but forgive me love
I can't turn and walk away

should have smiled in that picture
if it's the last that I'll see of you
it's the least that you could not do

oh I will
leave the light on
I'll never give up on you
leave the light on
for me too
Yes, thinking about it hurts.


thinking about it allows me explore the deeper me
and see who I am, what I am capable of and what I able to do.

I'm a risk taker, maybe not all risk but risk that decides what kinda guy
i'm going to be in the future.

There is a definite certain change in me after it happened.
We can't explain them, we only can show them.

Anyway this is just to light up the mood a little here.
LOVE is like shitting on a toilet bowl, only the person who loves you and would risk everything to be with you will go through the smell and touch that shit and get the warm feeling from it...LOL


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I used to thank God for you,
I used to be so darn happy because i've met you.
I used to overjoy when we communicate.

I don't know what to thank for,
I don't know what to be happy for,
I don't know what to be overjoy for.



Life is like this when you met someone ;




















(we won't know what happens next when it's around here.)
Looking at the fact in my heart,
I actually still miss you.
Looking at my mind every now and then,
you've actually crossed it infinite times.
Looking back then,
it totally kills me still.
Looking at my world right now,
it's totally different without you.
Looking back again in my heart,
I need you,
I want you back,
because life totally suck without you.

Most said, a broken heart can make the best music out of it. Well I guess mine can't since i'm bad it in.

Looking at life now,
there are just too darn many types of humans.

When things screws up,

some tries hard to find a solution to fix it.

Some, yea we'll go with the flow and see what happens next.

Some, just stay apart from the problem.

Some, hoping to start everything again and forget what had happened.

Some, hoping for a new start, practically it's different from the previous because a new start means a new life. Starting everything means bringing back the past but will try to make it better.

Just too darn many different humans living on earth.
Which one is you readers?


Life is full of risk too.

But risk is good, at least it helps us to gain more experience in life.

If you try hard enough, you'll know what are your risk for.

So why after the all of everything that came and went
I care enough to still be singing of the bitter end and broken eras
I told you I don't but
I am only trying to be the best with my intent to cure
The rest is sure to lay me ease the plural hurts of the words of reverse psychology
That's easier said
Easier than done

Realize Mraz's songs are a little different in expressing them feelings.
Kinda likes his songs ;)
can I start again with my faith shaken? cause I can't go back and undo this.
I just have to stay and face my mistakes but if I get stronger and wiser, i'll get through this.

sometimes, it's never easy to get things right. to make it better or worse, it depends on situations and especially you.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Wanna be a loser like me?
Stay tune!

Been listening to this song quite often =D

Sunday, May 15, 2011


looks like i don't really care anymore,
cuz i was taught to GIVE and TAKE.

well usually what we receive is better than what we gave?

pretty evil right?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do

for the best?

Took the leap, to ask for the last time?
The one last question?
It's either we are back together or just strangers again.

I can't be a friend.
I just had to.
I have too much feelings for you inside.
we're stranger again.

my mistake,
thinking that you really like me,
thought you would try to fight for the last time.
And I blame myself,
for letting this feeling to just develop.


it's the second night and i'm still not being able to sleep again cos all I have in mind is just..her..

Thursday, May 12, 2011

What's more painful than not being able to sleep EVERY night till 3 AM just thinking and only thinking about you.

seeing you being able to live through days pretty okay without me.
LOL. why the heck am I thinking about you when you're the one who gave up on me first?
Yea, it's just too torturing.
I think i'm going mental soon. lol.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Likes this piece from Rascal Flatts, awesome singer!

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
If you love a person, tell.

If you care about that person, show.

Don't hide it to yourself, else you're just plain selfish.


Echoes of life.

Since I can't really sleep every night, i've decided to make full use of my night life. I've learned a lot about life and still learning to put them in my life. What's written here is based on how I observe life so it won't be absolutely right about it.

Basically everyone is different, perfect in their own ways. No one is entirely perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, that's the fact. A video caught my eye, a clip from Wong Fu Production? I'm sure everyone already watched it right?

Watched this before it hits 200 thousand views and i'm still watching it again.

I like this video a lot because it pretty much describes what i've been through. Best part is, it's showing that guys too are affected by relationships. So girls, not all guys are jerks.

So let's start.

There's a few type of people here.

Some love keeping things simple. I love you, you love me and lets risk everything and get together and sort about the future some other time together.
"I like this actually, get together first and find the solution later TOGETHER."

Most think too much about relationship. I love you but do you love me? I don't believe you love me. What will happen in the future? Are you worth risking? Can I trust you? Can I trust myself?
"If you know that person have feelings for you and you like him/her too, everything is worth the risk and stop thinking too much."

Some, they're just wrong in some ways like keeping a person hanging by a thread. Showing them hope and you just pull off just like that? Promise something that you didn't mean it?
"If you don't like that person, please don't do anything that gives him/her hope or keep him/her hanging by the thread."

Looking back at Wong Fu's Strangers Again production, it opens my eyes a lot actually. I believe everyone is tested when they become comfortable with each another. And when it gets too comfortable at the wrong way, there's another chance to fix it by putting every effort you have to fix your relationship. Actually at this stage, it'll show how much they actually like each another and want to keep them together. By putting effort to fix things up or give up.

I actually didn't really like the trends telling about how do we know he/she's worth. What do we actually know about our worth? The only reason things don't work out in some relationship because you think you're worth better!

I've experienced something that's really confusing and sad? Conclusion to everything is, you said you liked me and said I was worth the risk but you don't want to risk it? Halfway through that you kept me hanging by a thread all of the sudden? And you gave up just like that.

Sometimes when people reacts is because they care. Girls, guys too do feel the insecurities. Guys can be really paranoid too especially when they're in love. And girls, why can't you just keep it simple? Why must some of you girls play it hard?

I like how some couples talk to each another about every problems that's bothering their relationship, at least they showed that they still wanna keep their relationship.

Sorry but I just can't go on anymore, something is killing me inside while writing about it.

I just want to conclude this, life is a risk. Every step, decision you make is a risk.

I'm just not over to what had happened. If there's a wish, I wish I can fall into the emptiness that is the space in between us, erase everything and bring us back together again.

I still don't get it, why?

This song's been playing in my mind.

Escaping nights without you with shadows on the wall
My mind is running wild tryin hard not to fall
You told me that you love me but say I’m just a friend
my heart is broken up into pieces

Cos i know i’ll never free my soul
it’s trapped between true love and being alone
When my eyes are closed the greatest story told
I woke and my dreams are shattered here on the floor

Why oh why tell me why not me
Why oh why we were meant to be
Baby i know i could be all you need
Why oh why oh why

I wanna love you
if you only knew how much i love you
So why not me

The day after tomorrow I’ll still be around
To catch you when you fall and ever let you down
you say that we’re forever our love will never end
I’ve tried to come up but it’s drowning me to know
you’ll never feel my soul
It’s trapped between true love and being alone
when my eyes are closed the greatest story told
i woke and my dreams are shattered here on the floor

Tell me baby why oh why tell me why not me
Why oh why we were meant to be
Baby i know i could be all you need
why oh why oh why

I wanna love you
if you only knew how much i love you
So why not me

You won’t ever know
How far we can go
You won’t ever know
How far we can go (go)

Why oh why tell me why not me
why oh why we were meant to be
Baby I know I could be all you need
Why oh why oh why

Why oh why tell me why not me
Why oh why we were meant to be
Baby I know I could be all you need
Why oh why oh why oh why

I wanna love you
If you only knew how much I love you
so why not me
(why not me, why not me)